Honey, I'm Home!

Did you miss me?

Did you?

I bet you did.

Even if you didn't, I missed you.

It's true.

These weeks went by so fast and all of a sudden I'm back at "home", trying to figure out the next steps of my life. For once, I'm not planning stuff, and its ok. I think before I left, I was so stressed about everything that was going on that I started manically planning everything I could. Which stressed me out more.

Although, its early days so it might just be a post-holiday lack of planning mode, and we will be back into full force.

Let me catch you up. I'm not going to tell you about Europe in this post, because I'm still ridiculously jet lagged and you need to know what happened before I left.

So you know I had a crazy couple of days ahead of me, and I had to plan everything crazy so I could get it all done? And on top of that, I had a photo project planned?

Well.

Friday went well. Finished my exam, had lunch, packed stuff, partied etc. Good times.

Saturday was when I lost it. Packing and cleaning my room was hard. Really hard. I hadn't quite comprehended how hard it was to leave the place I had lived for the past 2.5 years, even though I hated it at the time. Plus I had so much fricken stuff!

My brother-in-law didn't arrive with his ute until 4pm, so I didn't leave for ages.... which stuffed up my getting ready for party and drive an hour for said party plan. I was so stressed, that when at The Boyfriends house, I yelled, cried and proceeded to give myself a blood nose that didn't stop gushing (not dripping, gushing) for an hour and a half. I ended up in the doctors office and didn't get to my party. I felt so incredibly guilty about this - I have never made it to this friends birthday parties and now I've missed her 21st :(

It all turned out good in the end though. I made it to Europe and had a wonderful time.

Which I'll you about next time ;)

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes

Ever feel like you're drowning, yet you don't quite know why? 


I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately. Really truly, I am sorry. I've fallen behind on all my blog reading too, so I hope all of your lives are good right now. 


Its 2.5 weeks until the end of semester. 2.5 weeks until I finish my exams. 2.5 weeks till I move out of the Village. 2.5 weeks until I go to Europe. 2.5 weeks to cram a semester worth of knowledge for 3 units into my head. Its gonna be a big 2.5 weeks. 


I'm also tutoring at the moment. And trying to go to the gym (not happening so much lately, but I need to keep going. I feel ridiculously fat right now). And feeling like I'm failing at everything I do.


Logically, this isn't true. I mean, to an outsider my life is great at the moment. Exam wise - I've done so well in one of my units I have passed it without even sitting the exam. The other one, I only 7.5 marks to pass it. The last one, well, I sort of crashed and burned in that one. 18 marks needed. Yeah yeah, it doesn't sound like much, but I did really crap and only got 32/50 for the semesters marks. The final exam is worth 50%. 


Apparently, I have lost weight. I'm not so sure about this, but I'm beginning to think I have a really fucked body image. Or everyone is lying to me about how I look. I float between the two. I hurt my wrist at the gym before though, because just like I am prone to do, I pushed it too hard, and when it started to hurt, I just kept going. It was very strange, because even though I knew I should stop, I somehow couldn't make myself do it. It wasn't until I literally could not lift the weight anymore that I stopped. And even then, I felt like I hadn't had a good work out. 


Anyway, so on the surface, lifes good. Remember a few posts ago, I mentioned YASI's? The subset of depressives who are Young, Attractive, Successful and Intelligent? I feel like it applies to me a lot. Not because I'm depressed per se, but more that I feel like I am only just keeping everything afloat. Like any moment, that water that I'm so desperately treading is going to swallow me whole. But everything on the outside is so great, that I can't really express how I feel inside. And I'm not sure anyone would believe me anyway. Then I feel guilty, because my life is awesome. And get angry at myself for being so spoiled and self indulgent. It could be far, far worse.

I need a fricken holiday. I can barely bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. I studied in the library today, went home and curled into the fetal position and hid under my doona. My poor flatmate keeps trying to make me laugh and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears the whole time. 


Wow, this is a poor me post. We haven't had one of these for a while, have we? 


I guess it was just time.


I'll try and post again soon. 

Priorities

I need to prioritise more. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed with everything in my life, and then freak out that I can't do it, and hide under my doona until the storm passes. A lot of Friends is watched during these times, and not much sleep happens. The Boyfriend usually intervenes.

I need to remember this story:

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the story of an empty jar and the 2 cups of coffee. 


A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large empty jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks until the top of the jar.He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was! 


So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. 


The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.” 


The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.


”Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, ” I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your health, your family, your partner, your children, your friends, your favorite passions – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.


The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else – the small stuff.If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal”Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”


One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked.It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”