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Friday, September 2, 2011

Why You Should Not Be A Bridesmaid

Hello dearest readers

I am writing this post to warn you.

I am a bridesmaid in The Boyfriends sisters wedding next Saturday and to be honest, I don't think I can hack being a bridesmaid again.

Your life will become about nothing but The Wedding from the moment you are asked, till the time you leave the reception - and possibly after. 

Yes thats right. NOTHING but The Wedding. You have to rearrange your life to fit in with The Wedding preparations. Bride gives you 2 hours notice to do some invites? Better drop what you're doing. Want to shave your legs? Not so fast - if you do, they will be the improper length for waxing the week before. Better to be a furball.

It will be bloody expensive.

Yes, yes it's priceless being asked to stand next to your friend/sister whoever while they get married. But, especially if the bride and groom are on a tight budget themselves, you will need to fork out a shedload of money. Example:
Dress (that you will NEVER wear again) - $300
Alterations - $125
Shoes - $80
Spray tan x 2 (tester and real) - $120
Hair - $50
Makeup - $50
Underwear - $50
Hens night - $55 (not including other drinks)
Kitchen tea - $40
Waxing - $70
TOTAL - $940

Now I could have got away with not doing the waxing (defuzzing myself) and 1 spray tan. Still thats a total of $810 dollars that came out of MY pocket for someone else to feel good. I'm a student dude.

The lovely person known as The Bride, will turn crazy. Actually crazy. Don't say 'oh but we are such good friends and she's so level headed and lovely'. Its a lie. It will turn bat shit crazy.

I have been told to gain weight, cut a fringe in my hair, dye my hair blonde, put shit in my bra to make my boobs bigger. I have been lectured on not wearing jewellery to the wedding (apparently its a hard concept to grasp), not going orange from a spray tan (because apparently I desire to look like an Oompa Loompa), on making sure my hands are nice. Let it be known, I have done none of these things.

You have to deal with the other members of the bridal party - who will also go bat shit crazy.

Maid of honours are really good like that.

By the time The Wedding comes around, you will be so sick of it, it will be hard to enjoy.

One of the biggest lies ever told to bridesmaids is - you can shorten it and wear it again!

Bull crap you can.

So you see. Next time you are at a wedding and think, I wish I was a bridesmaid, or I should have been a bridesmaid, or even, gee those bridesmaid look lovely and happy - think again. It has been utter hell to get here (not to mention airfares to hell are getting expensive), and you should be glad that you can rock up in a dress from your wardrobe, in a colour you like, with shoes you like, and have a great time without having to deal with Bridezilla over there.