Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes

Ever feel like you're drowning, yet you don't quite know why? 


I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately. Really truly, I am sorry. I've fallen behind on all my blog reading too, so I hope all of your lives are good right now. 


Its 2.5 weeks until the end of semester. 2.5 weeks until I finish my exams. 2.5 weeks till I move out of the Village. 2.5 weeks until I go to Europe. 2.5 weeks to cram a semester worth of knowledge for 3 units into my head. Its gonna be a big 2.5 weeks. 


I'm also tutoring at the moment. And trying to go to the gym (not happening so much lately, but I need to keep going. I feel ridiculously fat right now). And feeling like I'm failing at everything I do.


Logically, this isn't true. I mean, to an outsider my life is great at the moment. Exam wise - I've done so well in one of my units I have passed it without even sitting the exam. The other one, I only 7.5 marks to pass it. The last one, well, I sort of crashed and burned in that one. 18 marks needed. Yeah yeah, it doesn't sound like much, but I did really crap and only got 32/50 for the semesters marks. The final exam is worth 50%. 


Apparently, I have lost weight. I'm not so sure about this, but I'm beginning to think I have a really fucked body image. Or everyone is lying to me about how I look. I float between the two. I hurt my wrist at the gym before though, because just like I am prone to do, I pushed it too hard, and when it started to hurt, I just kept going. It was very strange, because even though I knew I should stop, I somehow couldn't make myself do it. It wasn't until I literally could not lift the weight anymore that I stopped. And even then, I felt like I hadn't had a good work out. 


Anyway, so on the surface, lifes good. Remember a few posts ago, I mentioned YASI's? The subset of depressives who are Young, Attractive, Successful and Intelligent? I feel like it applies to me a lot. Not because I'm depressed per se, but more that I feel like I am only just keeping everything afloat. Like any moment, that water that I'm so desperately treading is going to swallow me whole. But everything on the outside is so great, that I can't really express how I feel inside. And I'm not sure anyone would believe me anyway. Then I feel guilty, because my life is awesome. And get angry at myself for being so spoiled and self indulgent. It could be far, far worse.

I need a fricken holiday. I can barely bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. I studied in the library today, went home and curled into the fetal position and hid under my doona. My poor flatmate keeps trying to make me laugh and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears the whole time. 


Wow, this is a poor me post. We haven't had one of these for a while, have we? 


I guess it was just time.


I'll try and post again soon.