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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes

Ever feel like you're drowning, yet you don't quite know why? 

I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately. Really truly, I am sorry. I've fallen behind on all my blog reading too, so I hope all of your lives are good right now. 

Its 2.5 weeks until the end of semester. 2.5 weeks until I finish my exams. 2.5 weeks till I move out of the Village. 2.5 weeks until I go to Europe. 2.5 weeks to cram a semester worth of knowledge for 3 units into my head. Its gonna be a big 2.5 weeks. 

I'm also tutoring at the moment. And trying to go to the gym (not happening so much lately, but I need to keep going. I feel ridiculously fat right now). And feeling like I'm failing at everything I do.

Logically, this isn't true. I mean, to an outsider my life is great at the moment. Exam wise - I've done so well in one of my units I have passed it without even sitting the exam. The other one, I only 7.5 marks to pass it. The last one, well, I sort of crashed and burned in that one. 18 marks needed. Yeah yeah, it doesn't sound like much, but I did really crap and only got 32/50 for the semesters marks. The final exam is worth 50%. 

Apparently, I have lost weight. I'm not so sure about this, but I'm beginning to think I have a really fucked body image. Or everyone is lying to me about how I look. I float between the two. I hurt my wrist at the gym before though, because just like I am prone to do, I pushed it too hard, and when it started to hurt, I just kept going. It was very strange, because even though I knew I should stop, I somehow couldn't make myself do it. It wasn't until I literally could not lift the weight anymore that I stopped. And even then, I felt like I hadn't had a good work out. 

Anyway, so on the surface, lifes good. Remember a few posts ago, I mentioned YASI's? The subset of depressives who are Young, Attractive, Successful and Intelligent? I feel like it applies to me a lot. Not because I'm depressed per se, but more that I feel like I am only just keeping everything afloat. Like any moment, that water that I'm so desperately treading is going to swallow me whole. But everything on the outside is so great, that I can't really express how I feel inside. And I'm not sure anyone would believe me anyway. Then I feel guilty, because my life is awesome. And get angry at myself for being so spoiled and self indulgent. It could be far, far worse.

I need a fricken holiday. I can barely bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. I studied in the library today, went home and curled into the fetal position and hid under my doona. My poor flatmate keeps trying to make me laugh and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears the whole time. 

Wow, this is a poor me post. We haven't had one of these for a while, have we? 

I guess it was just time.

I'll try and post again soon. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I cracked at the mention of YASI's. LOL! I never heard that one before.
You're not being stupid and self indulgent. It happens at times. To me it happens all the time actually. lol.
Poor me posts are good. Its something different from all the happy posts that keeps floating around the blogosphere. :P It can also get the load off your chest. :D